Tonight On ESPN: The Graduates!

I just recently came back from my sister’s graduation ceremony, which don’t misunderstand me was a fun time. However, I couldn’t help noticing that before the ceremony started, they were trying to pump the crowd with loud music as if we were all at a baseball game.Which raised the question: What if graduations were more like a sporting event?

An announcer would say things like “Now entering from left field, your MVP, with a 4.0 GPA over the span of his entire career: Tom “Has no life” Whiiiiiiiite!”. Tom White would then come up to the podium and give a speech: “ It’s been a long year. We all know how I had to battle the injuries of mental block and brain freeze, but I stayed tough. When the professors threw a curveball at me, I knocked it out of the park! My paper writing skills are unmatched, and no, I did not need to take steroids like certain other students to accomplish my feats.”

The rest of the graduates would jog out from left field to the tune of “Enter Sandman” to receive their diplomas/medals. The starting lineup would be composed of Tom White and his fellow overachievers, while the bench would be composed of the students who blew off their work in favor of other pursuits such as the very important task of watching funny youtube clips at three in the morning. In the middle of the graduation ceremony, there would be a half-time show complete with T-shirt rocket launchers. One lucky fan would be selected to come on the field and shake the hand of Mr. White.

Unfortunately, this is not the way real graduations work. The ceremonies are rather long and boring, and do little to keep you entertained. However, parents/friends/families did run onto the field which I found obnoxious. At a wedding, you don’t see people running up to the altar to tell the newlyweds how proud they are of them.

 Why should graduations be any different? This was the graduates' moment, not the parents/friends/family. I realize they were excited but couldn’t they wait until after the ceremony to show it? I will say at least none of the “fans” went streaking on the field as they might do at a baseball game, so they had slightly more class than the bleacher creatures, which isn’t saying much.